Alot going on since January....

Me and Kevin



Alot has happened since January.... I miss Averi everyday. My house got to looking like a tornado came through it... I was not my self.

Averi has changed me forever now. I am determined to be a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and person. Averi taught me just how precious life is, and how much we take for granted.

I thought for sure we were not going to have anymore kids. It took us 4 years to get pregnant with Ian and 3 years with Averi. I will be 35 this year and thought if it takes us as long as last time maybe we wouldn't have anymore. Well...... we are pregnant. I am so scared and worried about this pregnancy. over the last month and half I have taken 4 pregnancy tests just to make sure I am still pregnant. I honestly don't think I will stop worrying until I have this baby in my arms. Even then i will still worry.

This has not taken away from what I feel for Averi. I cry more now than ever it seems. I just think to myself. It is just not fair, it is just not fair.

This isn't the way it was supposed to be.... and in what seemed like my darkest hour I saw this quote online and learned from these stories below.

If God is strong enough to prevent these things, He either enjoys our pain or He knows that it is necessary for our ultimate good.
So we believe the latter and carry on. God is good but entirely too vast to understand.

C.S. Lewis

In addition, I started trying to find ways to keep busy. While volunteering for the church doing database entry, I learned something HUGE and it changed my thinking. I was entering prayer requests (our pastors pray over each prayer request separately and then on a daily basis), I came across a very sad story. A woman just had her first baby and he wasn't born with a brain. She donated his organs. She did not get a whole day with her baby. She never got to interact with her baby.

Another story that changed my way of thinking came from a friend I went to church youth group with. She told me she was praying for me and knew what we were going through. She said her sister's baby was stillborn at 8 months gestation. She didn't even get an hour with her baby.

You see what I learned is that everyone has hard times. I was so very blessed to have had Averi for 28 wonderful days. I got to see her beautiful blue eyes. We got to read to her and she tracked us with her eyes while we did. We sang to her, we talked to her, we prayed for her, she grabbed our fingers and responded to us. I miss her everyday but I know, even through all this pain and horrible tradgedy, I am blessed.

Thank you Jesus for my beautiful daughter Averi, for my husband Kevin, for my children here on earth Alex, Kylie, and Ian. Life is so precious, and because of Averi I am a better person.