worst day of my life....warning this is a long one

Honestly, I can't say that I believe that is the last time I will say that. Averi was really rocky coming out of the decannulation yesterday but seemed to stablize around 4pm. Her cardiologist came in after surgery looked at her then listened to her heart and left the room. He never said a word to us. Kevin asked Dr. Pretzlaff what Dr. Van Gundy's thoughts were, and he said the concern is that there was so much pressure on her heart because her lungs were still so hypertensive that it was causing the left side of her heart to be compressed.

A short time later Dr. P came back and said that we were making some head way with her stability but there wasn't much more that they could do with the vent or meds and it was a possibility that her heart could stop. If that happened it would not benefit her to do cpr to bring her back and basically would we sign a DNR. I could not believe that he was asking me this with things being so rocky after surgery for anyone why would she not be worth trying to save during this difficult recovery time. I told him I couldn't answer that and just cried and prayed at Averi's bedside.... and cried and prayed. I was so torn between wanting my baby and feeling like maybe I was being selfish. She was stable and the nurse said we needed to take a break, eat something and talk. We did so and came back.

We walked in and not even 5 minutes later her blood pressure shot up and her heart rate dropped and dropped. The nurse froze and called another nurse, who called the nurse in charge, who called a doctor. He told them to administer some drugs (one that keeps the brain from bleeding)and something else (dont remember what). This doctor just walked in the door for the night shift. The nurse called out and said pupils are fixed and dialated...nonresponsive. She then took the time during this to ask about the DNR if her heart rate dropped again. I told her no! She rolled her eyes and walked away. Something in my heart just blurted out NO!!! The doctor ordered a blood gas and they checked her blood sugar. It was way high. Her blood pressure and heart rate seemed to stablize.

The doctor said it was one of a few things, one he ruled out pretty immediately, the other 2 were brain damage because her brain was not telling the body to produce carbon dioxide anymore (the blood gas showed it was way LOW after being way HIGH) or it was her lungs just deciding to work which triggered the way low CO2 which then caused the lungs to constrict putting way to much pressure on her heart causing the dropped heart rate and high blood pressure. If it was brain damage there was nothing they could do. The nurse that asked about the DNR said again pupils are fixed, dialated and nonresponsive.

We sat there in the room for a while and I decided we needed to be together as a family, so I told Kevin I was gonna go home take a nap wrap gifts back up the car and we were going to spend Christmas as a family at RM House. He was going to stay and update me on ANYTHING that happened.

I got in the car and just began to sob, scream, hit the steering wheel. Then I began to pray, pulled myself together, turned on my worship music, drove and prayed some more.

Kevin then called me and said that the vent change the doctor ordered during the whole ordeal showed a difference in her CO2 and so they ordered another vent change and blood gas. That showed another change in the levels and the doctor was sure it was that her lungs just decided to work. Her blood gases continued to show improvement with each change they made to the vent. Thank you Jesus!!!

I am sure that this is not the last time I will say this but GLORY TO GOD!!!!! I still have my daughter, she is stable for right now. Thank you for all the prayers.... I cannot say this enough. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

All of that being said I want to thank all of those who had a hand in providing a special Christmas for Alex, Kylie, and Ian. I came home to a beautiful tree with presents wrapped under it, food in the fridge and pantry, and a clean home. I cannot say what a HUGE blessing this has been. It has been a rough 3 weeks and it is not over yet, but this was a huge relief to me, and made a huge impact in our lives. God Bless you!!! Pictures of Christmas smiles coming soon.