Belly Picture!

18 weeks 4th pregnancy baby girl Ellie!

It's a GIRL!!!!!!!

We are sooooooo elated and can't wait to welcome our newest addition to the world! Her name is Elliana (Ellianah/Eliana/Eliannah) Eileen (Ailene/Ileene/Ilene) Gaynor. We will call her Ellie for short. Eliana means "The Lord has responded" and "God has answered me", and Eileen means "light" and also is the name of Kevin's paternal grandma. it just all seemed perfect for our new addition.

We are relying heavily on the scan for abnormalities scheduled for the 28th. The 2nd trimester AFP came back normal, but so did Averi's. I do believe I will not be completely relaxed until we get the results from that scan. Our 3D u/s went well but I felt the pictures were really blurry and hard to make out or I would post them.

I must say that I am still so nervous because there are still so many things that can go wrong. So as we wait for the anatomy scan on the 28th, we pray. I pray for peace and strength. I pray for the health of all of my babies. I pray for the protection of Ellie.

I am not very savvy with my new camera and can't figure out Picasa2 to post these pictures. I have a better one that I need to figure out how to rotate and then will post that.



17-18 weeks pregnant with Ellie girl my 4th pregnancy.

So far So good

Ok, I haven't updated this blog in awhile so I thought I should. I am 17 weeks pregnant and do far all looks o.k. I do say this with a little hesitance because we haven't had our anatomy scan yet. We will have one on the 28th of this month, but have no patience to wait for that, so we scheduled one of those 3D scans you pay for, it will be on the 5th. I want to know if we are having a boy or girl. Mostly because I really felt like I bonded with Averi when we found out she was a girl and named her. I thought of every moment she moved as time we spent together and considered carrying her in my womb as holding her. I knew we may not bring her home so I relished in every part of my pregnancy with her. I didn't get to hold her until right before she passed, so I really appreciated the time I stopped and really paid attention to every movement she made in my belly. I want to do the same for this baby. I want to enjoy the things I used to take for granted. I am so very nervous, but I don't let that consume me(or at least I try really hard not to).

I miss Averi everyday and don't understand why God took her. However, I do know in my heart that God is good and He loves me. I choose not to lean on my understanding but trust in the Lord with all my heart. Don't get me wrong I have my rough days and lately my sadness seems to have deepened. In these times I go to God, He gives me a peace I can't get anywhere else. I have cried many tears, but I praise God through the tears because His grace is sufficient.

"And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." John 14:27 (NLT)

The kids....

Alexander Joseph Michael


Kylie Rae


Ian Spencer


Averi Hope

Alot going on since January....

Me and Kevin



Alot has happened since January.... I miss Averi everyday. My house got to looking like a tornado came through it... I was not my self.

Averi has changed me forever now. I am determined to be a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and person. Averi taught me just how precious life is, and how much we take for granted.

I thought for sure we were not going to have anymore kids. It took us 4 years to get pregnant with Ian and 3 years with Averi. I will be 35 this year and thought if it takes us as long as last time maybe we wouldn't have anymore. Well...... we are pregnant. I am so scared and worried about this pregnancy. over the last month and half I have taken 4 pregnancy tests just to make sure I am still pregnant. I honestly don't think I will stop worrying until I have this baby in my arms. Even then i will still worry.

This has not taken away from what I feel for Averi. I cry more now than ever it seems. I just think to myself. It is just not fair, it is just not fair.

This isn't the way it was supposed to be.... and in what seemed like my darkest hour I saw this quote online and learned from these stories below.

If God is strong enough to prevent these things, He either enjoys our pain or He knows that it is necessary for our ultimate good.
So we believe the latter and carry on. God is good but entirely too vast to understand.

C.S. Lewis

In addition, I started trying to find ways to keep busy. While volunteering for the church doing database entry, I learned something HUGE and it changed my thinking. I was entering prayer requests (our pastors pray over each prayer request separately and then on a daily basis), I came across a very sad story. A woman just had her first baby and he wasn't born with a brain. She donated his organs. She did not get a whole day with her baby. She never got to interact with her baby.

Another story that changed my way of thinking came from a friend I went to church youth group with. She told me she was praying for me and knew what we were going through. She said her sister's baby was stillborn at 8 months gestation. She didn't even get an hour with her baby.

You see what I learned is that everyone has hard times. I was so very blessed to have had Averi for 28 wonderful days. I got to see her beautiful blue eyes. We got to read to her and she tracked us with her eyes while we did. We sang to her, we talked to her, we prayed for her, she grabbed our fingers and responded to us. I miss her everyday but I know, even through all this pain and horrible tradgedy, I am blessed.

Thank you Jesus for my beautiful daughter Averi, for my husband Kevin, for my children here on earth Alex, Kylie, and Ian. Life is so precious, and because of Averi I am a better person.

Averi's pictures from babyangelpics.com no tubes etc.

I wanted to post some of the poems, and prayers that people have shared with me or I have come across that have been comforting. I miss Averi everyday and think about her all the time, when I start to wonder about the what if's these really help. These are just a few of the wonderful encouraging words that have been sent to me. I want to thank everyone for the kind words and prayers. It is truly a huge blessing each time I receive them.

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, and accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

Dear Lord, We never got the chance to hold Averi in our arms and tell her all about you. Now, please, would you take her into your arms and tell her all about us?

Cuddled in Heaven
We had so little time to share,
Too soon, I had to leave.
I know how much you love me,
I know how much you grieve.
I know how sharp your pain is,
I feel the aching in your hearts.
My life so quickly ended
Before it barely had a start.
I remember how you held me,
And kissed my face and hands,
You cuddled me so gently;
But, God had other plans.
I was your perfect angel,
From God you knew I came,
Suddenly he called me home again,
And now God holds my hand.
I know you'll always miss me,
I understand your pain is hard to bear.
Just remember that I'm in heaven
And we'll see each other there.
So smile when you think of me
and wipe away all of your tears
I'm cuddled now in heaven
By our family members here.
I'm waiting here in heaven,
And on the day we meet again.
I'll be the first to smile and greet you,
When God calls you home to him.
~ Charlotte Collins

You held her hand and stroked her head and sat by her side telling her it was going to be ok. She knew and loved her mama just as much as you knew and loved her! ----

She knew you were there and she felt your love! I am so glad you are remembering the things you did for her. -----

HE will tell her how HE chose YOU to be her mommy and chose Kevin to be her daddy because HE knew you would love her and take care of her ... No matter what! HE will then tell her how much you loved her! May God continue to bless you and your family.-----

Look back and Thank God, Look forward and Trust God, Look around and Serve God, Look within and Find God. -----



It is really hard to know exactly what Averi looks like under all that tape and those tubes, but I think that babyangelpics.com did a pretty good job. It is such a wonderful service. We never got to see what Averi looked like without all the stuff on her until the night she passed and she was so very swollen. Thank you babyangelpics.com for giving us an idea of what our angel Averi looks like.

Glad to be Averi's mommy

I am so glad I got to be Averi's mommy for 28 days.... There were days that we were not sure what was going to happen and we worried so much but I still got to be with her for 28 wonderful long days and for that I am so grateful.

I have read some other blogs and heard some other stories of mom's who have lost babies in 1 day, 10 days, and know of one who was 8 months pregnant when she lost her baby. These stories make me grateful that we got to spend every one of Averi's 28days with her. So many of our prayers were answered, she was such a blessing. The heartache and pain of losing her does NOT overshadow the joy I felt while she was here. If I had it to do over again and I knew the outcome I would still choose life and to have her even though her life was short. She made a HUGE everlasting impact on my life and the lives of so many others. Now she is in heaven with the Lord, and we will see her again.

Lord please tell my Averi how much I miss and love her and that I think of her everyday, Amen.

6 week postpartum check up

Doc doubled my prozac dosage and hooked me up with a support group of parents going through the same thing. I am hoping they have a group available in this area because this group is based in Sacramento.

I had to repeat some tests due to some concern, when I was pregnant with Averi I got a pap that came back with abnormal cells. It will take a week before I get the results back... worried. I also had to go to the lab to test for a UTI.

Also have to search for a new ob/gyn because of insurance issues... not a fun day. So I will have to explain everything that has happened all over again.

The pain of losing Averi seems to deepen each day. I feel like I am in this fog, I want the world to just stop for just a little bit, but I have 3 kids that need me and need to be taken care of so there is no stopping. I want Averi back, this pain feels like more than I can bare at times....

Feeling bad...

So I have have my 6 week postpartum check up tomorrow (really it is just past 5 weeks since I gave birth to Averi) soooo not looking forward to it, and I think I have a bladder infection (so very uncomfortable), I have a migraine and MOST of all I miss Averi so much... life today is a big bucket of sucks... Told ya guys my posts were gonna be downers for awhile

I really wish I was holding my baby right now. I wish I were nursing Averi right now. Dressing her up, burping her, loving on her. I know she is content in the arms of Jesus, but I am not I am here and it is not fair that i don't have her here with me. This heartache is like none I have ever felt before. I know she is not suffering or in pain, but it is still so unfair and I don't understand. I know I will learn from this and Averi has already taught me so much. I have a new appreciation for life and for the gift of a child and being a mom. I am a better person, mother, and wife because of Averi. It just hurts.....

Kevin's words at the service

Daddy’s Little Angel
Before Averi was born, I had never had my faith tested. Praying was something I did when I wanted the 49ers to score, or I was late for work and did not want to deal with traffic. Promises that I would make with no real conviction, to make me feel as though I had all my bases covered.
Then there was this little girl vibrating on a bed, with tubes all over, some pushing things in and some taking things out. I was truly helpless, what was I to do? I know…I will barter with Jesus…I mean everyone has been talking about praying and maybe if I truly promise to be good, a better Christian, stop just speaking the word and actually living it then maybe…maybe Jesus would let me bring her home.
So there I sat, learning about every machine she was on, researching every medication that they put in, refusing to leave her bedside, just stroking her head, and letting her know that her daddy was there. I loved to read to her, and hold her little hand. The way that she would look at me with those beautiful blue eyes, I could tell that she was a fighter; all the nurses would tell me that they had to up her sedatives because she refused to stay still. I was so proud of the fight that she was putting up and encouraged her all the way. I started to actually believe that she was coming home; it looked closer and closer every day.
But that was not his plan, and I did not understand why. Why would he take her away from me, what happened? Did I do something wrong? Did I pray wrong, did I not pray enough? No, that was not it at all, Jesus was answering prayers, Averi had made a difference in this world, and although the pain of our loss is great, the joy she brought me is greater. She made me want to be what I promised Jesus I would. And this whole time I was thinking I was bringing her home but now I see she was the one bringing me home.

Thank You All,
Kevin

Mommy to Averi.... Averi changed my life

Averi I will never forget anything about you. Your big huge blue eyes, all that dark hair, your super long fingers and toes, your long skinny feet, your cute chicken legs, your adorable button nose. I longed to hold you, to wrap my arms around you, to make it all better, to hear you cry, to change your poopy diaper, to dress you up, to kiss your cute little lips. I knew that even though I couldn’t hold you that Jesus could. We prayed so hard every day for anything and everything we could think of so that you may be able to come home with us. God answered so many of my prayers, we got to be together as a family on Christmas, and we were all able to be there until you went home to be with Him. You were a stinker from the very beginning. During ultrasounds and the MRI you moved so much that the technicians had to get creative to get the information they wanted. The week before you were born you decided to be breech. The day you born you decided you didn’t want to come down. The nurse would try to turn your head after you were born and change your position and you, very heavily sedated, decided you liked it the way it was and turned your head back. While on ECMO, on sedation and a paralytic, you still managed to move your arms and legs, and a few times moved your head ever so slightly enough to freak the nurses out, and they would rush around trying to figure out what else they could give you because you were maxed out on your meds already. The nurses, surgeon, and doctors all joked about what a little high maintenance princess you were. When I think about what you are doing in Heaven I imagine you riding a cloud opposite the direction of traffic, and just saying “oops, excuse me, sorry” like the little princess stinker angel you were here on earth. I am so thankful that I got to be your mommy, I miss you my beautiful little girl. I love you my sweet Averi and can’t wait to see you in Heaven one day.
--------------------
Averi has changed my life forever. I was trying to figure out how best to summarize that because of her I am a better person, and was unable to without crying. I decided to take a break and post some service information on Facebook and read this message from one of my friends that to me explains How Averi has not only impacted my life but many others as well.

Gina West wrote:

"Teresa, I truly became so very attached to Miss Averi through all your updates, my heart aches at your loss. Please know how much she has affected my family in the most amazing way. We have slowed down...we read more books, we take longer walks, we hug tighter, laugh harder. I will no longer get upset if the glass gets knocked over at the dinner table, or if things don't go just as I think they should. Because of Miss Averi, I am a better mother & wife. We are a stronger and much more thankful family. God Bless Averi and I can never Thank her enough."
---------------------
Everyday I learn about someone else who was affected by Averi... she was an amazing little girl.... To hear that she has not only changed my life forever but many other lives as well, makes dealing with this a little easier... Thank you for sharing with me how Averi has changed your life. Keep them coming they are true blessings to me..

Thank you to all who have taken the time to leave encouraging kind words, and prayers for us. It means so much to all of us.

My sweet angel Averi....I miss her so much. I love you baby girl.

thank you

I would like to express how thankful I am to everyone who came, from near and far, today, and those who were there in spirit. I cannot say enough how much I appreciate your love, support, friendship, words of encouragement, and prayers. I am truly and deeply touched by everyone who has been impacted by Averi. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you to all who ordered flowers. Some did not come home with me and some did not have a note so i dont know who they were from. Please accept this as my heartfelt thank you.